Monday, June 24, 2013

Cliff Driving- next chapter

Life is full of change and some people have a lot more change than others; I guess I would have to say that I fit into the first category.

Thinking back just one short week ago, life was different. Thinking back 2-1/2 years ago, life was different. Thinking back 12 years ago, life was different. And all the way back almost 30 years ago, life was different.

Those are pretty significant markers in my own life and in the life of our family. T and I got married almost 30 years ago. Singleness has some freedoms that being married doesn't afford and yet I don't want to be single, to have those freedoms, if I get to choose.

Having a very "secure" income has some nice advantages and it also comes with some disadvantages as well. A little more than 12 years ago I left a secure postion with a secure company for something very unfamiliar and with no security. I left that red and white building because I didn't believe 100% anymore. A good reason to walk away but none the less, kind of scary.

A short 2-1/2 years ago our lives really were turned upside-down and in the span of just a couple of months we left a family that we had grown to know and love very deeply as well as a business that we started from the ground up. Both decisions were gut wrenching as well as almost unexpected. We hadn't planned to leave either and yet in the end we knew that it was God's perfect timing in both cases. That didn't take the pain or confusion away but God has been kind to show us that he knew what was best all along, in tangible ways. 

Just a short week ago the financial picture looked a lot different than it does today. I left a position that had a lot of title and not a lot of financial backing; there was some financial though. And as has been the case in all the other moves previously, the reason for leaving was the "100%" issue. 

So what's so important about 100% for me and why does it always require leaving? 

I'm pretty much an all or nothing kind of person. I don't know if that's right or wrong, really I don't, I do know it's the way I do pretty much everything. For the steady ones this can be frustrating but if it's good enough to get my attention, it will get ALL of my attention. If not then it probably won't get any of it. 

I want to believe that what I am involved with is the best and brightest, fastest, coolest and brings the most value to someone's life. I don't have time to waste on things that are not producing and improving because I can't endorse those kinds of things to my friends. That's what I want to do; give you a solution to your problem.

So why leaving and who sets the time? 

Great question and I wish I knew. It does seem like most of these decisions have been a little "water-shed" moments. These leavings were not necessarily planned by myself but looking back, they do seem to have been perfectly orchestrated by God to have me leaving at a specific time, even though I might not have known why or even had been fully ready to leave at that moment.

So, why would I leave some money for no money and what does the future look like for us now?

God has given me pretty strong faith. The faith is not necessarily in me and that can be problematic-ish. Meaning, it might take less faith to stay when you don't believe than it does to leave. I believe that God has uniquely made me for a specific purpose. Maybe that is to show the world how NOT to do it, though I hope that is not the case. I have a yearning to be an example of one who follows God, do what I believe to be right and then watch God put all the pieces together.

My faith is a little in who God made me and A LOT in Who He is. He tells me that "the righteous will never be forsaken" and my issue is not that I don't believe God, it's that I don't know if I am "the righteous". I know that God provides all we need, but I sometimes wonder what the ratio is between need and fluff in my life. Does He want all this stuff to prove a point? Maybe, I guess we will see pretty soon.

God has shown His kindness and mercy to our family in so many ways and for sure he will need to show Himself in a mighty way in the coming days. I am not wavering on His ability but rather wondering my own worthiness of those gifts.

Hopefully that makes sense. Please pray that God would provide for our family as we work hard to try to discern what His direction is for us. It is always fun to watch Him work, but sometimes driving this close to the cliff , even when He's driving, is a little nerve-racking. This is a real life example of "I believe Lord, help my unbelief".

Sorry it's loquacious but you all know that this is how I am. If you don't know what that means, look it up. My picture will be next to it in the dictionary:)


Anonymous said...

Praying the Lord will provide for you! We love the Weinbergs! Sonja for the Sarrs

SKH said...

We will pray for discernment, provision, faith, and fun. Thanks for the update.