"Remember when you got into the word and it wasn't because you had a sermon to prepare or you needed to learn some things or there were some doctrinal problems or you knew that to progress as a useful servant you had to continue on in the things of the Word of God? Do you remember when you just got into the Word because you wanted to hear something from God? You wanted to know something about Him. Do you remember when you just prayed because of Him? Is your heart burning for Him?" Paul Washer
I have been thinking about this for a couple of days now- pretty convicting. I need to be desperately dependent on God, because I have nothing to bring to the table. I have nothing of value that He did/does not give and yet often I am proud of what "I have done". I need to get over myself and never get over Him.
It is much easier to be desperately dependent when things are way too hard for us to handle ourselves; way too big for us, way out of our ability to think of a solution. But am I desperately dependent when things are fine/good? Not so much. When it seems there is light at the end of the tunnel I quickly forget Where the light is coming from.
I was lying in bed, a few hours ago now, and was thinking about this in connection to a family. We want our kids to come to us and ask for what they need-petition. We want them to hang out with us and do stuff-fellowship. We want to know what they are thinking-communication. But what would it look like for our kids to REALLY try to get to know us-love? What would it be like if I really knew my own parents; asked them what they wanted along the way, what their dreams were?
Obviously God's will is perfectly done because He is omnipotent, but do I go to Him in prayer and read His Word to me with the sole desire to know Him? Not to know what He wants for or from me, but just to "look in His eyes" or to "hear His heart".
Teresa often says to me "You don't even know me". That is probably true. I don't take the time to really know anyone. I have to start with the One Who is worthy of knowing and He has to change me so I have the desire to really know others. For someone who likes to have many irons in the fire that is difficult because it takes time to know people on more than a surface level.
It will take eternity to know God as He deserves to be known, but then there will be no distractions, no sin left to fight and then we will get to know the One we should most long to know. Until He comes back or takes me home I must be striving to really know Him who Who He really is.
Oh that He would change my selfish heart.