Yesterday I had some time to drive around to some client's and as I drive I like to spend at least some of that time in prayer. There is much to bring before the Throne of Grace and each day I feel less and less adequate to handle all that is in front of me. There are so many decisions, so many directions and choices to make and I am incapable of knowing exactly what I am to do in really any of those circumstances.
God gives wisdom to those who ask and I have asked more this year than in all the years before combined and I feel as if I am going backward instead of forward. I hope that is not the case and that maybe the testing is just more evident to me now than it has been in the past, but if an inadequate feeling is any indication of growing sanctification, then I believe God is making some progress in this hard heart of mine.
It also seems as if the things I currently have to make decisions on are larger in importance than they have been before. Adoption issues, ministry, so many crazy things happening at work and a wedding to ready ourselves for. So many places to give God glory and praise, so many opportunities to rest in His sovereign plan and at the same time so many places to let my flesh win and not look to Him in every detail of each decision.
So much of what needs addressing has no eternal significance and yet even in those there are so many different places to give Him glory. I truthfully can say that I am not interested in getting glory for myself in much of what goes on in our lives today, and God is my heart's witness to this, but He must give direction since He is the only One who knows everything about each situation I find myself in.
How do we know God's perfect choice of- for example- where to have a wedding? There is too much pressure to get this exactly right. I am not talking about if we can make the wedding the perfect event where everything is timed perfectly and there are no glitches- I could care less about that. I mean- there are so many implications of just the choice of location and in each one of those choices there is a multitude of repercussions that naturally follow. No one can point to a verse and say- this is where the Bible says you should have your wedding and so that makes it difficult to know what God would have us to do- so He can be honored most, even in a wedding location.
Speaking of weddings- I had the privilege and joy of going wedding dress shopping with my Kimmy this last weekend. My little girl is all grown up and picking out her wedding dress. What a beautiful woman God has given to T and I, and now Ian. I had a radio show in the morning and so she and a few friends, and moms, went to start looking before I arrived and she actually picked out the first one she tried on. I didn't see it the first time but she went through, maybe, 8 dresses and then went back to "the one" and I knew it was "it". We then went to another store and she tried on a few more and there were none, in my mind, that were in the running. What a fun and exciting day. Thanks Kimmy for including your daddy.
Anyway- it is so hard for me to discern God's will in things like wedding dresses, granite pricing, time spending and everything else I/we are have opportunities to show off God's greatness in doing. I want to be able to say "look what God did" in each and every situation that comes to a close- that requires careful attention in each situation to be able to see where God stepped in and took over. I have to be purposefully viewing my life and the circumstances that are going on to be able to see exactly where He has taken us.
I don't want to fight against God- that's not even close to a fair fight. I want to truthfully say, "Lord, it's all Yours and You can do what you want in each situation, You know all the comings and goings long before they take place and so if You just do what You want to do from the start it will be much easier on me", but I think He is always giving the opportunity to test my resolve to always give preference to Him and to then give Him the fullest of the glory that He deserves when He does all the work.
All that takes a truthful look at my own ability and clear sight of what He is capable of, and then pride must be fought off to actually say and believe when He has worked and I have watched. My flesh often wants to take at least a little credit for just a bit of what He has accomplished and this is nothing but sin poking its head out.
All I have, all I am, all I can ever hope to be and do, are all given by and sustained by Him. In me there is no good thing that dwells and I need to be quick to humbly ask for direction and guidance, be then quick to follow where He leads and then be quick and thorough in my praising of this amazing God who gives and upholds all the good things in my life. He alone is worthy of all of the praise. May that be my unending song.